…I heard an interview with her. Interestingly, while I am not a huge fan of her music, I am a huge fan of who she is and of course, high performance so I’m always wanting to hear the stories of how they “got there.” The reporter was young and arrogant, and I suspect all of his self-worth bells and whistles were at an alarming level when he asked her this question, “So, what is it like to be an overnight sensation?” The pause before she answered was long enough to be telling. A deep, slow breath as she collected herself and then… “I have been playing clubs every night until 2 or 3 am for decades, working tirelessly to write and perform and perfect my craft. I have been around the scene for longer than you have been alive so I cannot answer to being “an overnight sensation,” mostly, because there is no such a thing.” Bam, mic drop. 

I love this story for two reasons. One, and the one with the most risk to admit is, “she” put a “he” in his place. It sounds weird to say it that way but the tone and the kind of question the young, male reporter asked was not because he was interested in good journalism, but because he was seemingly intimidated by a successful woman and as a young man, there was a peacock-feathering kind of feel to it. Women reading this will be nodding their heads in the kind of silent agreement that is so common, we fail to notice it anymore. Men will be defending the poor, young boy who just didn't know better, innocently insulting her (and why would that insult her anyway). And this is the paradigm, the model, the man-made world we live in, but we will get to that. The second reason is the overnight sensation rebuttal. This is so much more important than we realize, and I will do my best to explain why. In the half century or so I have been alive, I have always been waiting to “get there.” When will I finally figure it all out and find the magic pill, secret sauce, unlock the hidden door? Well, never because none of those things exist. What does exist is the culmination of life, including experience, education, influence, success, failure, and timing. And this culminates all the time, every time you have an insight or a little breakthrough, or make some progress, it is not the one thing that did it, it was the combination. The “straw” did not break the camel’s back, the hundreds of other insults and actions that created the wear and tear and resulting weakness that then allowed something as simple and seemingly insignificant as a straw to break a giant animal’s back. But we are not talking about something breaking here, we are talking about something being born, and like all gestation periods, the womb is not in isolation but is completely subject to the environment. And the environment for women has been changing lately…

To make a long story longer, I became a sport psychologist to work with athletes, the NFL specifically (been there, done that, fantasy was better than reality). I had no sights on the horse world and as a matter of fact, I refused to work with equestrians initially. Through a mutual friend, I started giving talks at Lendon Gray’s D4K events and it sort of took off from there. I spent five years doing my “Riding with Confidence” clinic and for over a decade, have worked individually with countless women equestrians, from Olympic to AA to back yard barn, and what I have found is that they all suffer the same ills: a lack of confidence and a deep desire for connection. When Mette & I decided to do a clinic for the women we had around us, she asked what would help the most? From her perspective, as a horsewoman, the needs were confidence and connection…but with the horse. From my perspective, they were confidence and connection…but with the self. Putting those two views together turned out to be a big hit. Being huge fans of science and education as access to change, we called it “The Science of Confidence & Connection for Horsewomen.” Whenever I explain how the brain and the body work with regard to confidence and connection, people go wild. They love the insight into how the brain works and the direct access to tools to create the kind of outcomes they have not been able to find. 

There are conversation starters and then there are conversations that start something. We have known Sinead for several years now and we have had many conversations. One in particular was inviting her to the first clinic, of which, she could only stay until 10 am (we started at 8:30). We opened the clinic, as always, with a why we are here conversation and used that to set the stage for two days of creating a safe place for women to learn and grow. Then the part we call “lecture” but is really a conversation with a new way to think about the science and mechanisms behind how our brain, mind, and body work in any kind of performance situation. Okay, it’s me talking quite a bit, but it is not a lecture, I work hard to engage you, make you feel part of it, and figure out how to own it. Next, Mette played with a couple of horses to really demonstrate how connection can look, can be great, can be lost, and then be found just as quickly. Cantering around on her horse, she reached down and slipped off his bridle, and they continued along as if nothing had changed. The confidence this took was one piece, and the second was the connection she had with him to be able to continue on without skipping a beat. As we took the first break, Sinead ran up to me with an intense look on her face and in one breath said, “I have to leave, I cannot believe I have to leave, I don’t even want to go show, I want to stay, but I have to go. When is this happening again, how do I get more of this?” This all fell out of her mouth at once and with such intensity, I was stunned. “Okay,” was about all I could mumble. Her excitement as she left wasn’t really a conversation, but it was a moment for me. She’s been on the US Team at the World Equestrian Games and an Olympic Team member. Shit, she’s the real deal and what we did at our piddly little clinic moved her so deeply, she could barely contain herself. 

The next conversation was me trying to convince Sinead to join us as a clinician in the next clinic. Although she played a little hard to get, she agreed. I suspect the only reason she hesitated is because, like every single woman high performer I have ever met, she has a bit of imposter syndrome. Not that I don’t, but I have enough experience with these kinds of clinics and workshops to know I can deliver, but Sinead and Mette were both kind of leaning on my confidence in them (and thankfully, they trusted me). As I sat trying to entice her, I described how magical it would be to have both her and Mette “mic’d up” and talking their way through how they manage confidence and connection as they ride. I have seen Mette do it and it is always amazing, but to have the two of them, I could barely contain my excitement. And in the next clinic, they delivered. The banter, the comradery, the playful competition, the earnest reports of failure, and the authentic excitement during success for each other was breathtaking. Everyone there was elevated to a new level and moved to the core. More, now we needed more. And so, another conversation was had, and I will never forget it. 

Sinead texted with such immediacy; we knew we had to meet right away. We sat down at our round table next to our screened-in pool in the Florida sun and Sinead pulls out what I call her famous notebook. Scribbles, notes, things circled so hard the paper indents, underlined phrases jumping off the page, and most famously, nothing in a straight line. Her notes are mostly sideways, in the margins, diagonally across the page, and with no real semblance of order, revealing to me and my psychologically minded brain, her ability to think outside the box. Mette presents her spiral notebook with doctor-inspired handwriting intelligible singularly to her with only five or so messy but potent lines per page. She flips back and forth with such command; I get lost trying to keep track. The conversation is a contest of who can get everything they need to say out first and fastest. The excitement is palpable and our dog, Coco, picks up on it and starts running around the table, biting our legs with his own excitement. I am sitting between them, eyes darting back and forth like I’m watching a tennis match, and my heart is pounding from the feeling we are connecting with…that we can change the paradigm for women and horses. 

The world’s most famous paradigm was, as we all know, the world is flat. What it took to change a global “conversation” was not just someone NOT sailing off the edge of the Earth, but all the little things that led to the confidence of that group of boats, willing to test that thesis, one that could have ended in disaster had they been wrong. I once read that the six most dangerous words in the English language are “that’s how it’s always been done.” Them’s their words are not fighting words and leave the speaker and believer paralyzed by the paradigm. The horse world is a world created by men and the model of how we “do” horses was developed by men way back when horses were a utility, not our favorite pet or part of the family. We call it carriage, calvary, and cowboy, and all three met incredibly important needs at the time. Not that they are bad, but they are simply not recognized as a paradigm and are definitely in need of an upgrade. Horses were transportation, they helped keep livestock alive and in check, they plowed our fields, they took us to battle, and they kept people alive and able to survive in a world before industrialization. They needed to respond to our demands differently than they do now for a dressage test or a jumping round. It is time for a change and one that includes How Women Do It. 

C-6 Equestrian came about from three women with different lenses, skills, perspectives, titles, and methods, but the same mission: to change the model of horses and women. As we sat at the round table, ideas and excitement flying all over the place, we discovered this need for a model of horses that fits women. In the garment industry, women’s clothing is a completely different from men’s, same with shoes…the fit is just not the same. We say women “do” horses differently from men and that as a result, we need a new model. The six C’s are the model: confidence, connection, communication, commitment, community, and culture. The Science of Confidence and Connection for Horsewomen clinic proved to us that those two “c’s” are critical. But then Sinead asked, “How do we include in our model the “high performance relationship?” Mette almost jumped out of her seat in agreement, “Yes! We need to ask a lot out of our horses so how do we do that in our new model?” The next moment was obvious to me after working with and studying high performers in both sport and business. 

First of all, we define performance as “anything you do where you expect a result.” So, you do not need to be on the Olympic Team to be a high performer in our eyes. You can never compete your horse and still be the highest performer you can be because really, you are the only judge that matters anyway. With that out of the way, let’s talk about what else we need for a new model, one that is looking to change the paradigm of horses and women. Confidence and connection are essential, as we all know. But what is often missing in any relationship, especially one that needs to be able to withstand pressure is communication. With no “user manual” for how to talk to ourselves, we rarely understand the impact of that simple task, which then transfers to everything we “say” to every other being we come across. Our ability to communicate with our horses is completely model dependent, and women communicate differently than men. We need to honor this with our horses. If you are up to things, having a level of commitment that will out-persist the setbacks, haters, self-doubt, and circumstances is non-negotiable. You cannot decide today you are up to the work and maybe not tomorrow, you have be “all in,” committed to the whole catastrophe (as Jon Kabbat-Zinn would say), there is no half way. Then, if we are going to change the model, we need a powerful and aligned community of women up to the same thing, supporting each other, and working together to make each other better and stronger. And a new model requires a new culture. Culture change seems difficult but is actually isn’t that complicated. As we find new ways to talk about How Women Do It, we will find new ways that fit better and create better results. And as that gets passed from woman to woman, it begins to become the natural way we talk about and “do” horses. 

For years I have listened to story after story of scared and unconfident women, berating and even hating themselves for not being “tough” enough to do x-y-z with their horse. Most of them have spent the better part of their equestrian career learning from men and ignoring their own instincts in order to do it…how it has always been done. What might it look like if we took all the wonderful strategies, methods, and techniques we currently use with horses and make them fit women? It would feel like the first time you step into that perfect shoe, the one that seems like it was made for your foot, you know, the one you forget you have on. Lady Gaga had it right in both ways…we have been developing ourselves for decades and need to remember that. So many women fail to recognize the value they bring to their horse life as a culmination of years of learning, succeeding, failing, and loving it anyway. And, as women, we need to find our voice, our ear, our heart, and allow ourselves to be women with horses. The word “horsemanship” is industry standard, but we say there is a completely additional aspect to it when you add woman to it. This is our passion, and this is our mission. We hope you join us and find that perfect fit for you inside of How Women Do It.